What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?

These are some photos from my trip to Dork Fest '09 in Philly. Enjoy!

These are not the dorks we are looking for

Help! Someone please get this nerd some medical attention!


God of THUNDER!!!

KITT and the Ghost Busters. How sweet is this?!

At least the nerd on the right had the decency to wear a mask and hide his shame.

Mulletor

All this fresh air and human interaction is... toxic. Must. Rest. And return. To my basement.

Did this guy really think you could be The Mighty Thor with a hammer made out of duct tape? Pretty lame.

Here is an old-school, pre-Heath Ledger Joker.

This geek on the left made a cape out of a blanket and a safety pin. No shit. I have seen children put more effort into their outfits than this man. It makes me ask the question we all are asking, why bother wearing a cape at all?

This girl is a zombie Wolverine. And she was kind of cute too. What the hell was she doing here with us geeks?

I think she is a vampire - but I don't think vampires wear masks. But that's cool because I'm totally looking down her shirt.

The only thing more alien than Chewbacca to these geeks is a girlfriend.

This was actually a pretty sharp outfit. I have nothing bad to say about it or about Captain America.

This geek is either a zombie or her was just roughed up in the parking lot for his lunch money.

In this episode of The Maury Povich Show we find out which Darth Vader is Luke's father.

This astro-nerd gets a lot of Tang!

Holy shit! KITT!!!! Hey, why does KITT have GPS in the window?

Friends, the final frontier.

Set phasers to nerd.

Hell-lo Captain!

This guy and Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons could be twins. It's either a sad coincidence or a hysterical truth.

Didn't mean to harsh your buzz, dude.

I was going to blog today about getting stood up by Eddie Vedder last night. It is a pretty funny story too… I’ve already wrote half of it. But I found out late this morning that my co-worker is really sick. And not the kid of sick where you take a few days off from work and you’ll feel better kind of sick. It’s the kind of sick that you never want to hear your doctor tell you that your results are bad kind of sick. So I’m going to need to stop goofing around at work so I can get caught up and learn his job. At least until he gets better or they hire me an assistant. I can only hope both of these things happen very soon.

I don’t feel like being funny today guys… not like that’s ever stopped me.

So I’m going to save my Eddie Vedder story for later. I’ll just backdate it so it looks fresh.

Sorry about that folks.

I didn't take a bath today, and I may not take one tomorrow.

Facebook is my crack. A long time ago it was blogging, but I don't really have the time to write a solid blog entry anymore... so I have been taking a different route. Writing short jokes in Facebook in my update section. Some are good, some are bad, some are blatantly ripped off of TV shows and songs, but I find them hilarious.

One thing I have noticed in the updates section is that there are a few types of people updating their status on Facebook, such as people who constantly bitch about work, people who won't shut the fuck up about Jesus and people who constantly complain about their health. And the more I hate these people the more I try to pay attention to their updates... because after all, they are my Facebook friends.

If you aren't my Facebook friend then you automatically suck dick. Here's some of what you have been missing:

There are only two types of people in the world, people who think Journey is the greatest band in the world and liars.

If loving Journey is a sin, then I’ll see you all in Hell!!!

Always remember to be to be direct and proofread every letter you write because nothing ruins the seriousness of a kidnapping like a longwinded a ransom note rife with grammatical errors and typos.

I'm stuck in traffic on the highway to hell.

Some say success is the best revenge, but I say the best revenge still is and always will be slashing someone’s tires.

In my honest opinion, the name “Lola” is suitable only for a pet Chihuahua or for a Filipino transvestite, not for a child.

I’m almost done editing the final draft of my manifesto… umm… I mean memoirs.

Just got done writing my liver a thank you card for all the hard work and overtime it put in last weekend.

My real name isn’t Del-V. I just found his drivers license and I’ve been using it to cash fake money orders at seedy liquor stores around the city.

I have lost all confidence in President Barack Obama. Why would he nominate federal appeals judge Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court and not Judge Judy? I don’t even know who Sonia Sotomayor is. Is her show on basic cable or something, because I haven't seen it.

Del-V is glad North Korea is taking the world's attention away from the reprehensible things I did this weekend.

<--May or may not wake up in a ditch this weekend.

Del-V is listening to Journey’s “Separate Ways” and thinking about you. ***wipes tear from eye***

I just became a fan of Apathy!

<-- I promise to funk, the whole funk, and nothin' but the funk.

Del-V wants to express his deepest, most intimate, feelings towards you through interpretive dance.

I just got an email inviting me to J. Crew’s Private Sale. Jealous? Of course you are. I’m part of the "in" crowd now and it will be a cold day in hell before we let people like you shop on-line with people like us. Have fun shopping at Old Navy, loser. Hahahahahaha!

The definition of taking initiative is putting on sweatpants before leaving for the all-you-can-eat buffet. Sadly, this also the definition of gluttony.

<-- My hobbies include dressing my cats up in period costumes, collectible tea pots, and sewing period costumes for my cats to dress up in

Just because I’m done with hockey for the season does not mean I’m done with MILF-y hockey moms.

Stupid Caps broke my heart. Now I’m depressed. And the best way to cure depression is with beer, which is ironically also a depressant.

Del-V was about to jump his dirtbike over some downed electrical wires until G.I. Joe told me I could get hurt. Now I know. And knowing is half the battle.

Del-V is going to have a long and accomplished future as a grouchy old man.

The Food Network is porn for fat people.

Del-V doesn't play drinking games. I take my drinking seriously.

Del-V has beaten his addiction to painkillers but not his addiction to pain

Del-V wants to end the crazy rumor that I was a former child actor. I was not Kevin Arnold’s nerdy friend Paul Pfeiffer from the show “The Wonder Years.”

Del-V’s nightmarish decent into alcoholism has been a lot more fun that expected.

Why do we require high school kids to take foreign language classes? You’ve seen Star Trek. In the future everyone speaks perfect English. Even Klingons.

Del-V wants to state that it’s not a “pandemic” until it affects my little world. Until then it’s just a bunch of sick people that I don’t know.

Del-V knows it is summertime in DC when the Metro smells like armpits and feet.

Del-V is going to drink like it's 1994.

Del-V will be done Bedazzaling his Snuggie in time for the “Infotainment Bar Craw” this weekend.

Del-V thinks you should live every day as if it were your last unless your last day plans involve a murder/suicide.

A helpful tip for people who are new viewers of the TV show “Cops” -- the guy without the shirt is ALWAYS the perp.

Del-V thinks Earth Day is a steaming pile of compost. I didn’t bust my ass in college for all those years to end up as the Earth’s janitor.

Del-V realized he’s no longer cool when the new “Playboy” arrived in the mail and the first thing he did was read the interview with Chuck Palahniuk.

Del-V asks: If God is love, and love is blind, and Stevie Wonder is blind – is Stevie Wonder really God?

Del-V thinks the "Free Credit Report.com" songs have the catchiest hooks since the Beatles.

What is it about nice, sunny days that makes me want to get drunk outside?

Del-V wonders if there is some law on the books preventing him from turning his super lame car into some sort of super cool post-apocalyptic Mad Max style assault vehicle? Or does someone with a super cool post-apocalyptic Mad Max style assault vehicle even care about laws.

Del-V wants to thank my stalker for all the lovely poetry she’s written me. I’ve never seen “Knife” and “Wife” rhymed so profoundly nor so often. You have a gift that I must share with the world - especially the detectives.

Del-V secretly wishes Norman Fell was his landlord.

Del-V new motto: when life gives you shit, make shit-ade.

I might as well face it, I'm addicted to love. And meth.

Del-V thinks time heals all wounds. Except for gunshots. You should go to the hospital for that.

Del-V is currently working with Procter & Gamble to develop a nicotine eye-patch for pirates who want to stop smoking.

Del-V set phasers to NERD!

Del-V wonders why Hollywood hasn’t made a movie that ended in a “Ski-Off” in well over 15 years.

So if you want more, add me as a friend.

Perhaps I remind you of the loveable Sergeant Schultz on Hogan's Heroes

I am taking a page out of LiLu at Live it Love It’s book and I am going to give you an account of the actual conversations between me and my girlfriend, Adriana Lima. She is totally hilarious! After you read this, you’ll know why I love her. She loves to joke around.



The Shiz My Girlfriend (Adriana Lima) Says Vol. I

After her Victoria’s Secret Photoshoot:

Del-V: I love you Adriana!

Adriana: Security! It’s that stalker guy again! Help! Ouch, Let me go!


Later on that night, driving to an undisclosed location:

Del-V: I can’t wait to get married to you tonight.

Adriana: Please untie me. I can get you ransom money.

In the basement of a shack out in the woods:

Del-V: I think you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. We are going to have many, many children together.

Adriana: Please unchain me. I swear I won’t press charges. Just let me go. Please! HELP! Can anyone hear me? HELP! HELP!!!

Oh, don't worry, we still enough left to buy the Cleveland Browns

I had an awesome weekend camping with my friends from high school. I have a lot of cool photos and crap like that to post, but right now I wanted to tell you a story about a kid we went to high school with that died from cancer. It’s not really that good of a story… but I’ll tell it anyway. It's never stopped me before, right?

When I was in high school there was a kid named Joe Brown. Joe played J.V. lacrosse with me and he seemed like a pretty nice guy – even thought he didn’t play varsity lacrosse, but whatever. I didn't tease him that much about it. That's because Joe was quiet, got good grades, blah, blah, blah. Joe lived on my friend Randy’s street and their families were close in a neighborly way. So I didn’t know any of this until Randy told me this story over the weekend. He heard it from Joe’s mother…

Joe had this girlfriend in high school named Jen. She was my chemistry lab partner. She was 6’6” and was really loud and annoying. In chemistry lab I did most of the work while she would blab about this and that. I basically carried her through that class.

That’s right, I am cool like that.

Joe also had a best friend names Larry. Larry was a high school entrepreneur, he ran a landscaping company and hired kids from our high school to cut grass. He was also on the high school wrestling team. I thought he was a tool. After all these years, now I know I was right.

Anyway. Like all good things, high school came to an end and I a lot of people I knew went their separate ways. I managed to keep in touch with my best friends, but my fringe friends and acquaintances disappeared. Randy told me about what happened to Joe, Jen and Larry. I’m kind of surprised I didn’t hear about this sooner.

Right after high school ended, literally the week after graduation, Joe was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The doctors said he would be lucky to make it through the summer. Randy said Jen and Larry were at his bedside every day for weeks and weeks comforting their dying friend.

But something happened between Jen and Larry, they fell in love (or lust) and were having an affair behind their sick friend’s back. They would have sex in the next room while Joe was resting after chemotherapy. They would sleep over at each other’s houses when they told their dying friend they were going home for the night. They would have quickies while Joe went to the doctor’s office. They were banging like bunnies while Joe’s cancer metastasized to his liver.

Things were getting bad for Joe and he was moved to a hospice. In the hospice Joe told Larry and Jen that he was glad to have them as his best friends and thanked then for sticking by him for the mast months. That’s when Larry dropped the bomb on him and told him all about his affair with Jen. Joe was devastated. He told them to get out of his room and that he never wanted to see them again. Which was totally true.

Joe died a few days later.

The doctors say it was from malignant tumors in his pancreas, but we all know Joe died from a broken heart.

Don't worry, baby, my mother won't be home for another 20 minutes

I have never been this miserable in my life. This can't be happening!

These books behind me don't just make the office look good, they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!

I feel like I belong on the Animal Planet because Friday night I was attacked by a cougar.

I was in a bar in Baltimore hanging out with friends when an older, very attractive lady sat down next to us and ordered a Bellini. That’s right. She ordered a Bellini at 11:00 in the evening. Who the hell drinks a Bellini after noon? Hey, I guess it’s always brunch somewhere.

Anyway, after a dozen Bellini's she challenged me to a game of shuffleboard. I kicked her ass because I am an incredible shuffleboard player. The next thing you know she was all over me. Maybe she had some sort of perverse shuffleboard fetish. Maybe she was just wasted.

She said she was too drunk to drive and wanted to know if she could stay at my place. So I took her to my place. Then she told me she was 40 years old. So I told her I don’t normally take girls I just met home from bars. Hey, she lied first.

The next morning I woke her up and took her to breakfast a Mother’s… I thought it would be ironic. I don’t think she got the joke.

Then I walked her back to her car. It was a fatty 7 series BMW. She gave me her number and told me to call her and drove me back to my place. I want to see where this goes. I could use a sugar mama.

FYI - I'm naming her Maggie Mae after the Rod Stewart song.

If there was any justice, ***MY*** face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise

Girls always say they want a boyfriend with a great sense of humor when we first start dating. After that they change their story, saying they want a boyfriend with a bigger penis.

So the next time you use a gas chromatograph, remember to thank Mr. A. J. P. Martin

This Memorial Day weekend I want to first of all thank all the brave men and women who have served our country in times of war and in times of peace. I have the utmost respect for you and I am grateful for your dedication to keep America free. I also want to take a moment to honor a fallen comrade. Our fallen hero wasn’t part of the military. No, this was a man who entertained us.

He made us laugh. He made us cry (from laughing). And maybe made us pee out pants a little. You know him as Pistols from “Save your Generation.”

Pistols took his blog off line and I couldn’t be any sadder. Well, for me – not for him. He stopped blogging because he has a busy life and doesn’t have time to entertain us idiots with his superior wit any longer. He was one of the best I ever read. Pistols made comedy blogging look effortless in the same way Joe Montana made playing quarterback in the NFL look effortless. When I saw that he had set his blog to private I got upset. I didn’t feel that bad since they shut down Napster. “Save your Generation” and Napster offered me hours of free, non-pornographic internet-based entertainment. And now it’s gone.

Pistols was proficient, posting damn near every day. He was original, unlike me who rips most of his shit off from Grant Miller Media and the Onion. And Pistols was fucking hilarious. His blog was everything I wanted my blog to be… just without all the photos of Adriana Lima which makes even the lamest blogs readable. He was my hero – in blogging.

In closing, I want to thank Pistols from “Save your Generation” for all his hard work. You may be gone, but you aren’t forgotten.

Godspeed, Pistols, Godspeed!


PS – if anyone can share a good program to use for updating the posting status for the “Blogs I Read” list I would really appreciate it. That was one of my favorite features on Pistols’ old blog.